GUTGAA BLOG HOP!
Here’s my entry…tell me what you think in the comments, and I’ll return the favor!
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When Liam, a handsome Irishman with a cool car, kidnaps Carly in the middle of the day and offers her a seat on an ancient demon council known as the Dominatori, she wants to know what’s in it for her. A lifelong fight to keep the existence of demons a secret? It isn’t exactly the extracurricular she’s been looking for. But when Liam reveals that her missing mother was once a prominent member of the Dominatori, Carly seizes the opportunity to finally understand the woman who disappeared when she was thirteen.
Carly is on her way to becoming a full-fledged member of the council when she’s given an ultimatum: prove her commitment to the cause by killing her best friend Tyler (who she happens to be in love with), or the Dominatori will kill Tyler and her entire family — or what’s left of it. Carly must decide if she will follow her mother’s path, tracking down those demons who kill for pleasure, or if she will stand up to an ancient tradition that threatens the lives of the people she loves most.
Complete at 72,000 words, Sightless is an Young Adult urban fantasy novel in which the most deadly characters are women.
I am a Los Angeles native with a Midwestern education from University of Illinois and University of Notre Dame. Recently, my short, psychological horror story “Itch” placed in the LitReactor.com “Scare Us!” competition, earning me feedback from author Craig Clevenger. When I’m not working at UCLA or thinking about the gender politics of Buffy the Vampire Slayer, I’m writing about the YA genre and life in LA at laurenspieller.com. However, the most important thing to know about me is that I love dogs like it’s my job.
Thank you for your time and consideration.
Sincerely,
Lauren Spieller
[address]
[phone]
lauren.spieller@gmail.com
laurenspieller.com
Hello from GUTGAA. I don’t know much about urban fantasy pitches, but I read a lot and from the query, I’d love to read more. The story sounds great, I like its simplicity and depth and would have kept reading well beyond the first 150 words. I love that Carly sounds young and inexperienced, but not too old to miss her mother. I wish I had something constructive to offer, but I don’t. 🙂 Good luck with GUTGAA! I’d love to read this in print one day!
A2Z Mommy and What’s In Between
This is going to be tricky with the whole no html reply, but I’m going to try. All in all, I really think this sounds like an awesome book. I just had a few comments.
In the first paragraph you say she was kidnapped, which suggests she has no choice, but later she “wants to know what’s in it for her.” Is kidnap the right word here? If it is, how is she now able to chose?
I also wonder what sort of stuff this council does. Do they sit around and try to hide magic? or do they actively hide chaos through really awesome actions of some sort?
Second paragraph. I can see the stakes are high, but Tyler came out of nowhere. It would be nice to have him come in earlier. What part is he playing in all this? Why does he have to die? I’m also a little lost as far as her motive. Why would she stay with these people if they wanted to kill her bff and her family?
Complete at 72,000 words, Sightless is an Young Adult urban fantasy novel in which the most deadly characters are women. [I don’t know if you need the part about deadly women characters, but I kinda like it.]
For your bio, my understanding is that they only want to know about your writing. Some of the stuff you have in there is fun, but I think it can be taken out of the letter and saved for the back of your book cover. 🙂
First 150 Words
Carly expected her first time in a club to be exciting and sexy, but from where she lay sprawled on the ground, she just felt sticky. [this is awesome!]
Grimacing she picked a cigarette butt out of her hair and flicked it away. A mass of bodies towered above her, jumping and screaming — their combined heat was suffocating. Carly pulled her knees into her chest. This was not worth sneaking past a bouncer. [It is really hard to sneak past a bouncer, so what the heck did she have to do? I would rather know that.]
After a few seconds, it became clear that no one was going to apologize for shoving her, or offer their hand to help her up. [just a small thing: was she really waiting on the ground for an apology at a concert?] Carly struggled to her feet, using her purse to fend off a drunk brunette stumbling around in silver stilettos. Once she was standing, she hopped up and down to get a better view. The stage was only twenty feet away, but the throng of people in front of her looked impenetrable.
Details I wanted to know: the lighting (flashing?) and the smell (rancid beer, sweat?). Really great job of bringing me into the show!
When Liam, a handsome Irishman with a cool car, kidnaps Carly in the middle of the day and offers her a seat on an ancient demon council known as the Dominatori, she wants to know what’s in it for her. A lifelong fight to keep the existence of demons a secret? It isn’t exactly the extracurricular she’s been looking for. But when Liam reveals that her missing mother was once a prominent member of the Dominatori, Carly seizes the opportunity to finally understand the woman who disappeared when she was thirteen.[THIS WHOLE FIRST PARAGRAPH JUMPS STRAIGHT INTO THE ACTION. CARLY ALREADY HAS ME INTERESTED JUST BY THE WAY YOU’VE WRITTEN THIS. FIRST THING – I HATE WHEN THERE ARE MADE-UP WORDS IN A QUERY THAT ARE IMPOSSIBLE TO PRONOUNCE – YOURS ISN’T ONE OF THOSE. ‘DOMINATORI’ WORKS. SECOND, FROM “CARLY SEIZES” TO “THIRTEEN” I THINK YOU CAN CUT DOWN A LITTLE. IT SLOWS DOWN THE FAST PACE. ALSO YOU’VE ALREADY GIVEN US THE REASON SHE’S INVOLVED. SMOOTH.]
Carly is on her way to becoming a full-fledged member of the council when she’s given an ultimatum: prove her commitment to the cause by killing her best friend Tyler (who she happens to be in love with), or the Dominatori will kill Tyler and her entire family — or what’s left of it. Carly must decide if she will follow her mother’s path, tracking down those demons who kill for pleasure, or if she will stand up to an ancient tradition that threatens the lives of the people she loves most. [AND NOW THE STAKES. THEY’RE GOOD ONES TOO BECAUSE IT GIVES THE FEELING SHE’S GOING TO MAKE HER OWN THIRD CHOICE. I’M JUST A LITTLE CONFUSED WHY SHE HAS TO KILL TYLER. IS HE A DEMON? IS IT A TEST? I THINK YOU’D ONLY NEED ONE WORD TO CLEAR IT UP.]
Complete at 72,000 words, Sightless is an [‘A’ NOT ‘AN’] Young Adult urban fantasy novel in which the most deadly characters are women.
I am a Los Angeles native with a Midwestern education from University of Illinois and University of Notre Dame. Recently, my short, psychological horror story “Itch” placed in the LitReactor.com “Scare Us!” competition, earning me feedback from author Craig Clevenger. When I’m not working at UCLA or thinking about the gender politics of Buffy the Vampire Slayer[LOL], I’m writing about the YA genre and life in LA at laurenspieller.com. However, the most important thing to know about me is that I love dogs like it’s my job.[NORMALLY I’D SAY THIS LAST SENTENCE ISN’T NEEDED, BUT FROM WHAT I’VE SEEN ON OTHER’S COMMENTS, YOU REALLY, REALLY, LOVE DOGS.]
Thank you for your time and consideration.
***
It’s clear you’ve got your storyline down. This query is clean, interesting, and really gives a sense of your writing and what to expect from your MS, which is something I really struggle with. I have no notes on your first 150 words. They’re wonderfully written and have the right amount of details that we’re right there with Carly, but not to much detail that we’re choking on it.
Your pitch is very professional, and well thought out. The only thing that made me pause was your use of the parenthesis, but in this case, I think they work. I love your opening paragraph. Well done!
cool car, kidnaps Carly – say that three times fast. I stumbled over this.
By saying extracurricular, I assume she’s in high school, amassing things for her college applications, but I’m not sure if he’s a go-getter freshman or senior desperately looking for last minute credits to add. Can you tell us her age to help us know right away?
Do are the Dominatori demons or demon hunters? I’m confused, especially when you throw her mom in there. Did she leave so that she could fight demons?
The crisis is clearly spelled out and I understand what’s at stake. I also like the first 150 — she’s got everything working against her from the start.
I have the hardest time with the bio in my own pitches. I’ve read so much advice that just about everything is contradictory. Just about meaning that they all say if you don’t have writing credits in your genre, don’t add it. I like the part in your bio that mentions your social media platform, but I’m not sure the part of your school, dog or Buffy has a place here. Also don’t think that getting feedback on a piece is impressive to agents – although, congrats, because I know that’s tough to get!
My two cents. Hope it helps…good luck!
Two questions on your query:
1. I’m curious if this takes place in our world or a different version of our world. I think it’d be important to get that in.
2. The stakes you’ve set up don’t actually feel like stakes. I mean, of course she’s going to choose saving the dude! (err…I’m assuming ;))Can you rephrase this somehow so that it feels more realistic, or unpredictable? Perhaps something along the lines of: Carly needs to discover is there’s a way to rectify her life, to follow the path her mother choose and save the ones she loves. Or at least something that keeps the story line a bit more mysterious.
Otherwise, your voice is great! And your premise seems completely unique! And your first 150 is strong, your first sentence made me laugh out loud 😉 If you ever need someone to check out a revised version of your query, don’t hesitate to shoot me an email julianalbrandt[at]gmail[dot]com
It sounds like an intriguing story. One suggestion. I’d lose the beginning of the last paragraph of your 150, “After a few seconds it became clear…” Just give the facts: No one apologized for shoving her. No one offered a hand to help her up. Short, crisp sentences here give the reader more a sense of her frustration. Good luck with it.
the first 150 words was great and the premise of the query letter is good. I was only confused about why the council would give her such an ultimatum when they are the ones fighting against the demons.
The jump in time in the query from her deciding to join to her becoming a full-fledged member is a little awkward. It’s not something that would ruin the query so maybe just think about it.
Intriguing premise! I was confused, though, about the council. If they’re the “good guys” who track down demons who kill for pleasure (I’m assuming to stop them?), why do they want her to kill Tyler? What does Tyler have to do with anything? Also, later, you say that she must decide if she should stand up to them: stand up to them for what (again, I’m assuming they’re good guys because they stop the bad demons)?
Intriguing premise!
I was confused, though, about the council. If they’re the ”good guys” who track down demons who kill for pleasure (I’m assuming to stop them?), why do they want her to kill Tyler? What does Tyler have to do with anything? Also, later, you say that she must decide if she should stand up to them: stand up to them for what (again, I’m assuming they’re good guys because they stop the bad demons)?
Sounds interesting. I think the line “But when Liam reveals that her missing mother was once a prominent member of the Dominatori, Carly seizes the opportunity to finally understand the woman who disappeared when she was thirteen.” could be condensed so that it doesn’t repeat information by saying both “missing” and “disappeared.” And the line “…first time in a club to be exciting and sexy, but from where she lay sprawled on the ground, she just felt sticky” conjures an image I’m not sure you meant to present.
I love anything Celtic, so I was immediately intrigued when the word IRISH popped off the page!
I was a little thrown off by the parenthesis. In a query, maybe commas might work better?
I would like to know why Tyler must be killed and why they threaten to kill the entire family if Carly refuses to do the killing.
The last sentence sounds like the stakes are the same for whichever path she chooses. Tracking down the evil demons or standing up to ancient traditions sound like both choices go against the council.
I would want to read more of this if ever given the opportunity. I think you are for sure writing a winning story!
Nice to meet you through GUTGAA! I’m so late getting around to everyone’s blogs, but the list of those who signed up just keeps growing!
My query is up if you want to take a look:)
Thanks!
Talynn
Thank you all for your fantastic feedback! I’m really looking forward to reading your pitches! Now if only work would end…
Interesting concept.
This sentence threw me, though.
“When Liam, a handsome Irishman with a cool car, kidnaps Carly in the middle of the day and offers her a seat on an ancient demon council known as the Dominatori, she wants to know what’s in it for her. ”
Really, her first reaction to being kidnapped is to wonder what’s in it for her? There’s a disconnect there.
Hi, I’m a fellow GUTGAA bloghopper. Nice job! I like the premise, query and the first 150. Maybe just add a comma after ‘grimacing’ in the excerpt. Good luck!
Dear Agent,
When Liam, a handsome Irishman with a cool car, kidnaps Carly in the middle of the day and offers her a seat on an ancient demon council known as the Dominatori, she wants to know what’s in it for her. A lifelong fight to keep the existence of demons a secret? NOT exactly the extracurricular she’s been looking for. But when Liam reveals that her missing mother was once a prominent member of the Dominatori, Carly seizes the opportunity to finally understand the woman who disappeared when she was thirteen.
Carly is on her way to becoming a full-fledged member of the council when she’s given an ultimatum: prove her commitment to the cause by killing her best friend Tyler (who she happens to be in love with), or the Dominatori will kill Tyler and WHAT’S LEFT OF her family. Carly must decide if she will follow her mother’s path, tracking down those demons who kill for pleasure, or if she will stand up to an ancient tradition that threatens the lives of the people she loves most. WHY CAN’T SHE DO BOTH? I THINK YOU NEED TO EXPLAIN THIS A LITTLE MORE.
Complete at 72,000 words, Sightless NAME MUST BE IN ALL CAPS is an Young Adult urban fantasy novel in which the most deadly characters are women.
I am a Los Angeles native with a Midwestern education from University of Illinois and University of Notre Dame. Recently, my short, psychological horror story “Itch” placed in the LitReactor.com “Scare Us!” competition, earning me feedback from author Craig Clevenger. <—ANYTHING IN THIS PARAGRAPH AFTER THIS SENTENCE CAN GO. BLOG ADDRESS GOES WITH YOUR CONTACT DETAILS. PERSONAL DETAILS NOT IMPORTANT IF THEY DON'T MAKE YOU A GOOD WRITER OR GOOD MARKETER.
Thank you for your time and consideration.
Sigh. I have a trigger happy finger and pressed post too early. Just want to say your concept sounds awesome. 🙂